Larissa Shaw - Fighting Fear
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November 24, 2015
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Dating a Narcissist

Narcissism - dance with the devil

When you think about a relationship, you think about love, respect, trust, bringing the best out in one another, when in reality, relationships are often one sided, particularly when you are dating or married to a Narcissist. What is a Narcissist? A Narcissist is a person who is overly self-involved, vain, selfish, very calculating, clever in their approach and dangerous toxic individuals. A Narcissist cannot deal with criticism and will make excuses to take the heat off themselves or blame others for their own mistakes. Men are more likely to be Narcissists.

During my time in the dating game, I found myself in relationships with these types of men. I didn’t know I was dating a Narcissist at the time and it wasn’t until I grew older and wiser and educated that I learnt about this type of male species. Working in law enforcement and dealing with unruly people and perpetrators in domestic violence episodes, I come to learn about the Narcissistic personality. I also come to learn about working with them as well. However, that’s another story in itself. Let’s just say, I was able to reflect on my own personal relationships and come to realise that I was dating Narcissists and there was actually nothing wrong with me. A relationship with a Narcissist was emotionally draining, it wore me down, my self-esteem was impacted, I was made to feel like I was the one with the problems and everything that went wrong was my fault. But in fact, I was the most normal one in the relationship. It was their way of having power and control in the relationship, their way of making you feel like you needed them because they were the more stable one, the one that could do no wrong and you relied on them to survive.

From the age of 18 I found myself caught up in abusive relationships. I turned to the gym as my outlet, my stress release and to help rebuild my confidence that kept getting knocked down by Narcissists. Now this is the funny thing. My training started to change my body shape, I started developing lean muscle, I became stronger and slightly more confident. The Narcissists loved the changes, but it also became a problem for them. See my transformation had gained some attention from other people, complimenting me on my appearance. The focus was off the Narcissist and I didn’t feed their ego as I was working on myself. It was no longer all about them. Then the tables turned. I was met with comments like “why do you have to train so much,” “are you going to the gym again,” “don’t you want to spend time with me?” So, there it was, the Narcissists wanting to have his cake and eat it to.

Another surprising factor I learnt when I reflected on my past relationships was their relationship with their mother. They had a close relationship, to some extent, often still residing at home with their mother and often considered second best to a fellow male sibling. Their mothers were controlling and interfering, often causing conflict within the intimate relationship. Men would tend to side with their mothers during this time, often to please them as they have longed to do this, now that the favourite son or daughter wasn’t around to steal all the glory. It was their time to shine, at the expense of the woman that they proclaimed to love.

One particular relationship I was in, my partner’s mother initially lived elsewhere. It wasn’t long into the relationship when his mother began staying for longer periods of time. This was close to being a permanent arrangement when my partner and I decided to find a place of our own. We moved into our new place, just the two of us. It didn’t take long before he advised that his mother was going to live with us. I’m sorry, you just make that decision without consultation? You can probably guess what happened from here on. Yes, the interference, the “ganging up” type behaviour. I felt isolated in my own home. I decided to pack my things and leave. It was during this time of trying to escape this toxic relationship and living arrangements that I was assaulted. In true Narcissist form, he called his mother (who had already left the house) to return to the address and tell police that I had assaulted her. I am no expert in personality disorders, however I do believe there is a link to Narcissists and their relationship with their mothers.

Narcissism

Do yourself, your health, your sanity a favour and cut ties and divorce the Narcissist. You won’t win the battles and instead they will only wear you down gradually to the point you start believing what they are telling you and saying about you. Don’t let them control your mind and feelings. If you think you can help or change a Narcissist, think again. A leopard doesn’t change its spots and neither does a Narcissist. The best solution is to not entertain them, not play their games, don’t engage in their antics and walk away from what will only be a toxic relationship.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201507/10-signs-you-re-dating-narcissist
http://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/entry/signs-of-narcissism_n_4696772